it’s me, you guys. i won the powerball.
foxmulderlosthissister: my phone doesn’t support snapchat, so just send me nudes in the mail and i’ll only look at them for ten seconds
Sending a care package
Postal clerk: Anything fragile or perishable?
Me: Pop-Tarts? I guess those are kinda fragile. Cause, like, they could get kinda crumbly and then you can't really toast them, so that sucks.
Me: No. Nothing fragile.
Clerk: Any liquids or perfumes or lithium batteries?
Today I made a coworker look at my scalp; apologized to a coworker for making her look at my scalp.
yesterday my friend said the beer I was drinking tasted like a Christmas tree so I guess I finally know what to tell people when they ask what kind of beer I like
petervidani: this song is on repeat in the bathroom at Mission Chinese Food
the closest thing i get to an ab workout is trying to lift my head high enough off my pillow so that i can put my hair in a bun before falling asleep.
What we’ve said to the girls is, ‘If you guys ever decided you’re going to get a...– President Obama • Kiboshing his daughters’ future attempts to rebel against him and Michelle. (via shortformblog) Sasha, Malia. It’s time to call this bluff. For America. Something on the face, preferably.
Today the UPS guy told me they're not allowed to...
Regardless of the delivery instructions. All the other streets in the neighborhood are fine, but on my street, there is no package left behind. Not sure how I’m supposed to take that, UPS guy!
I think you should learn, of course, and some days you must learn a great deal....– From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler is the best, most important YA book of all time, and E. L. Konigsburg will be missed. (via luckypaperstars) church. shout out to one of my favorite fifth grade book reports.
TUESDAY MORNING. LOOK ALIVE, ASSHOLES.
William Faulkner's Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech...
Ladies and gentlemen, I feel that this award was not made to me as a man, but to my work - a life’s work in the agony and sweat of the human spirit, not for glory and least of all for profit, but to create out of the materials of the human spirit something which did not exist before. So this award is only mine in trust. It will not be difficult to find a dedication for the money part of it...
yeah I guess it makes sense for this song to be...
people who try to find good parking spots at the...
Did you already forget why you’re there?
You Taste Like Nachos: This is a post about... →
youtastelikenachos: In response to something Ami asked me, I would like to write a little bit about my thoughts on coffee. To give you some background, I have been drinking coffee every day since the age of sixteen. I have also just hosted a coffee workshop at my library and have moved into a new apartment…. fast forward to the part where I look up a Baratza coffee grinder on Amazon and...
While we're on the topic of Denny's,
FSU used to have a shitty on campus diner which is now probably the same shitty diner but disguised as a “Denny’s AllNighter,” which, ironically, is the only Denny’s I have ever encountered that isn’t open 24 hours.
Some dude: I don't know, I never really got into Mad Men. Probably because I smoke too much.
Me: Wait... what? Like... cigarettes?
New Breyers Recipes: When Ice Cream Is 'Frozen... →
TRUST NO 1
It only took two months, but it sounds like my new...
Me: So I left a HUGE bottle of CoffeeMate, the refrigerated kind, out on my counter overnight. Do you think it's okay to drink?
Him: I don't know, I don't drink coffee.
Me: WHAT? BUT HO--okay, well, regardless, what do you think?
Me: I mean it was pretty cool in my apartment last night, I think.
Him: They keep it refrigerated in the store?
Me: Well, yeah, but, I mean, it's non-dairy. It says right on the label. It's just like sugar and weird oils and chemicals. Nothing perishable really. So it's okay right?
Me: I mean, ostensibly, based on what I just said, it's not "okay" really, but, suspending that, do you think it's, you know, okay?
Me: I mean it does say it contains "milk solids," whatever those are. That's gotta be the only possibly perishable thing.
Him: I don't know if I would risk it.
Me: But it's the BIG bottle! And I JUST BOUGHT IT TWO DAYS AGO! IT WAS ON SALE!
Him: Aren't they like three dollars?
Me: BUT, THE PRINCIPLE.
Him: It sounds to me like you're gonna drink it anyway.